jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize