If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
she peed on how many people?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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