so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
People in love make me want to vomit
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
