Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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