If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
