i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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