He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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