im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
