I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
