I could make wine with my vomit
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
