I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
