Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize
