Who did Billy Mays play for?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
