Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Randomize
