I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
