I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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