That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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