Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
