The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize