Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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