I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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