im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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