My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
