proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
