dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
