There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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