Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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