So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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