Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
