I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
