do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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