I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
