Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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