Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
