I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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