Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
