Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
then he tried to convert me to islam
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
