Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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