oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
