Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize