I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
