It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
