I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my being single is dangerous.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize