"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
