I just saw a hot homeless man
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize