She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
