When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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