I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just blew my weed a kiss
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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