So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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