Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
