Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
