JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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