Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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