You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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