Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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