Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
