I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
