after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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