I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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