Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
