I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
