I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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