My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
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