Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
