fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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